This Will Never Happen To Me

Famous last words.

Culture shock-- nah. It won't happen. I know what to expect. Of course I'll adapt like a plant growing in a greenhouse.

To all those aspiring to travel and stay in a place different than home for an extended period of time, do not mentally prepare yourself that you will not experience culture shock.

It occurs in three very basic, easy to understand steps.

1. The "oh my gosh I am in a new place everything is so cool" phase. Pretzel baskets? Awesome. Signs written in German? Man that has got to be in a picture. New food? I'll try one of everything. Hey look, a german guy on the street! I bet he's German! COOL!!!

Don't worry, the sickening coolness of phase one does have an end... devastation.

2. The "I'm in a new place and I hate it" phase. Pretzel baskets? Gosh, why can't I find poptarts anywhere? Signs written in german? If everything wasn't written in German, I WOULD know the way, thank you. New food? uh... lets go to McDonalds. Hey look, another german guy on the street... I bet he's drunk.

Don't worry, phase two is temporary. You may entertain thoughts of flying home, hiding in your apartment, and never buying food ever again. This, for me, required many episodes of little house on the prairie and a few books written in the beautiful language known as English. And many emails to close friends telling them that Germany has betrayed me-- for I expected it to be wonderful, and it is just a cruel facade that, when stripped away, leaves nothing but dirty U-bahn stations and statues of naked guys.

3. The "hey wait, where did my hatred for germany go?" phase. You suddenly accept that you can't find poptarts and start buying chocolate filled croissants instead. You start making lists of all the things you can't wait to eat when you are home (tacos). And you start taking pictures, not of pretzel baskets, but of the original paintings by people like rembrant, of you and your friends on a cool bridge beside a pretty river (can you believe it... friends exist in this hateful place!) and of really cool buildings that are older than your homeland's constitution.

And suddenly, the naked guys and the second hand smoke and the german signs and the new food all seem to take a back burner... as you realize for the first time potatoes still cook the same here as they do at home.